Archive for September, 2005

Silence….

Friday, September 30th, 2005

What I have discovered with friends who having troubled times that silence is the by far the best way to let them vent. Not questions, or relating it to your own experiences, but silence. It just works. Sort of figured this out a while ago, but it is just interesting. Sort of ties into the good advice Claire gave me freshman year:

When girls talk about a problem, a guy wants to try to fix the problem somehow. What guys don’t realize is that girls aren’t always looking for a solution from the guy. She just wants to talk about the problem.

Do I drop?

Tuesday, September 27th, 2005

Right now I am registered for 18 hours, you only need 15 for a full load. Those extra three are coming from an internship.

I have the following classes.
History of Modern China – Lighter Workload
International Organizations – Little heavier load, but one less paper
Creative Writing – Average Work Load, but I am unsure of the professors grading
US History 1890-1945 – Nice class, way too much reading (which I may start skimping on). No idea of grading
American Political Process (Grad Class) – Biggest work load, and I increase it by taking notes on readings and such because the class itself is more difficult

If I were to drop anything, the likely candidate would be US History, but this history is never offered. I sort of want to learn it. Also, I could start to skimp on some of the readings and be okay I think. However, that is a bad way to approach a class.

Overall, I don’t want to “give up” but with midterms coming, and the drop deadline being Friday, I am nervous. I don’t need all of the hours that I do…but looking into my future, it doesn’t get much better.

Each of the next two semesters I will be taking a History for Major Class, and a PSC Grad Class. There is the chance that I will be taking an additional PSC Seminar. So one semester, I could end up with 2 for Major Classes, and a Grad Class. Somehow, I am thinking that is going to suck royal donkey dick. Therefore, if I tack on the extra 3 hours now, I can take less then.

All in all, getting 2 BAs and a MA in 4 1/2 years = Rough…..

/whine

A Good (Listening) Friend…

Saturday, September 24th, 2005

You sometimes surprise yourself when you just get someone to listen…You don’t think you will ramble onto to your inner nervousness, but you do. You let it out. With some friends, you sort of protect what you say and what you don’t. Others just have the ability to knock down that bull shit and let you go. And it is nice. So thanks.

Who is reading?

Monday, September 19th, 2005

Today I walked by a Miss Sullivan, who happened to mention that she had read my last post. It was recommended to her by a Miss Carroll. That got me thinking, who is reading my junk? Leave your names in the comments please….It is interesting to know…

Erica

Thursday, September 15th, 2005

Everyone has that someone in High School. Sometimes they actually are with them for some time, and others they aren’t. She was my someone. I wasn’t likely her’s, but there was a little ‘bit in which there was that glimmer of chance.

I don’t know if she will read this, she may, if so (not sure I would want her to), but it doesn’t really hurt for her to read.

Her and I only went out on one official date. It was pretty much a bomb, but we did go out on one date. Some movie during winter break Junior year. All throughout High School, we had been pretty flirtatious, even though she had a boyfriend for most of it.

I remember seeing her for the first time on school bus number 5. She was a few rows back on the bus. There weren’t many people on the bus, so I introduced myself. I still remember thinking how cute this girl was at this first impression. Over that year, we were pretty much bus buddies on the way home. We interacted some in school activities freshman year but not a ton. There was the occasional flirting, but nothing over the top. This increasingly continued for a couple of years. I had other crushes, but she was always on the radar.

Junior year, it became more up front. She had broken up with her boyfriend in the summer. Her and I went out to lunch everyday. It was sort of an adventure, since I was only a Junior and not allowed to go off campus. Sort of like something forbidden and it added to the thrill. During this is when things started to shift more.

At YiG that year, I was running for Governor; she was Speaker of the House. Interestingly, it was because I was hanging out with her that the thought of running for Governor even entered my mind. Her friend Kate suggested it to me sophomore year after I won an award. The idea stuck, and I ran.

When I was elected Governor, our advisor forbid anyone from waking me up early to tell me. I had so little sleep during that weekend, and he wanted me to sleep. The way I remember the story is that I was asleep on the couch. Dead to the world. The phone rang. My friend Brian picked it up and yelled at me from the next room to tell that it was for me. I was half asleep, and somehow I got on the phone (I think I hung up at first and they called back). She was on the phone and was telling me that I won. It took me a few seconds to realize it, but I eventually did.

I don’t remember much else about that day other than calling my parents. But it was probably my favorite moment of something related to High School. All of my friends rushing in after the phone call makes it great, but her calling is probably my favorite part of my proudest moment of high school.

That Christmas, at a party, her and I were just sitting on the couch. We were basically toying with each other hinting that we had a thing for each other. It eventually came out in a cute fashion, and we acted a little bit like a couple for the rest of the night. We went to Schnucks (a grocery store) for some reason and set to have our first date be some movie on a day right after Christmas.

Probably my biggest what if of all of High School is about something that happened between then and the date. She had called me on Christmas Eve asking if I want to go to Mass with her and two friends of ours (another couple). I wasn’t sure if it was really kosher to do, leaving family for friend for Christmas, so I said I wasn’t going to.

The date itself was pretty awkward. Our relationship had been so established as friends punctuated with flirtation that nothing else really worked. Us being a couple pretty much fizzled without either straightforwardly acknowledging it, but we both knew.

As for my biggest if…I always wondered what would have happened if I had gone to that Mass. Would that of been an easy enough thing to ease us into being an actual couple? Sort of like a transition date. Likely not, but I have wondered.

The rest of Junior year (note she was a Senior at this time) we went back to our lunches. However, I worked up the courage in March to ask her to Prom. I did (still remember where we were). She said “Yes.”

My Grandfather had died in Febuary, and the funeral was set for March originally. They moved it because they knew my Grandfather and I were close, and I couldn’t make it that day because of the SATs. They just happened to move it to the day of Prom.

As irrational as it was, I still don’t question the following: I honestly searched to see if there was some way I could go to both. Please note, the funeral was in New Jersey. I actually worked out a plan where I could make it as long as the flights were all exactly on time. I would of had to wear a tux on the airplane, but I was honestly okay with doing it all. However, I reconsidered and decided not to. I don’t remember why, but I did.

I went to the funeral. I was glad that I did.

She went to prom. Her date then is now her fiance.

Her and I last saw each other before she went off to college at a friend’s house. Her and her fiance were an established couple. Ironically, that night was probably my favorite night that I ever had with my guy friends in High School. She wasn’t a part of it, but sort of interesting that she was there for part of it.

When she left for school, we corresponded some by e-mail. There is one she wrote about college that I still save because it was so dead on. I have looked back at those e-mails, and I am Wowed at how stupid I was in writing. However, they were pushing the line some of what two people in our situation should talk about, but at the time I loved them.

We e-mailed again this past summer, nothing truly significant. I think I was honestly exploring what I still felt for her. I was really unsure what I thought. She had sort of become a figure in my mind, not idealized, but still was that girl.

We ate lunch when I was back in St. Louis. And it wasn’t there. We sat there. Caught up. Random things like Grad School, High School, just general things. We talked about her prom date some. She mentioned marriage was in the outlook but nothing official. It wasn’t there. I remember telling another friend that night that for some reason the feelings weren’t there. And I was glad. No longer was I really wondering about her. And I haven’t been.

Erica Flor told me tonight that she is engaged. She actually got engaged very shortly after our lunch. Erica was the girl I reflect back on as that girl from High School. It wasn’t one thing about her, but it was the whole package. Smart, funny, and really cute. I haven’t felt like I have towards Erica as I have towards anyone else, but I am sure I will and more.

Congratulations & thanks Erica.

IR’s Problem

Wednesday, September 14th, 2005

Thought of mine expressed pretty well:

The problem with international institutions is that with well defined state borders, there is no blurring of the states. Therefore, this sections off the people preventing a world democratic state, and the defining characteristics of the players in world government are not the people but the power the state’s themself have. These borders must be slowly deterioted until there are none. Then democracy can happen, and there can be a world government. Steps cannot be skipped for this to work. Therefore, no world government before deterioated borders.

Steven Michael Rogers

Tuesday, September 13th, 2005

I am taking creative writing this semester, and I likely have to do a lot of assignments like this one. This assignment basically is “What is in name/Your Name”. So here is what I wrote, worried it is a little too Blossom-(the TV show)-esque. Let me know what you think in one way or another.

Steven and Michael mean “crown” and “who is like a god” respectively. Rogers means “famed spear.” Therefore, I must assume that I am a celebrity javelin beyond Saint Peter’s golden gates wearing an ornamented hat. However, my head is naked, except for some glasses, and I am not a heavenly medieval weapon but instead the son of a Rogers.

My father had 4 brothers, all of which are professional, white collar men. Doctor, lawyer, professor, reporter, and scientist are the job descriptions for the five sons of the chemist. Their father emphasized education and work ethic into the sons. With these traits, the five of them achieved their success. Then, as fathers, the sons only knew how to raise their sons with the same emphasis. It wasn’t engrained into me as much as it was for some cousins, but I am clearly a Rogers.

This has its pluses and minuses. On the positive side, whenever anyone refers to me with the title of Mister, I can simply say that “I am in the neighborhood.” On the negative side, sometimes I am too much of a Rogers and am too concerned about accomplishments or success. Sometimes when standing around the five sons, one feels like they are around five Michaels, five god-like individuals. This Rogers’ neighborhood can be slightly intimidating but also rewardingly challenging.

Perhaps it is the Rogers in me, but one should strive to achieve all that they can. The difficulty for the Rogers is realizing which things in life are the greatest achievements. Sometimes the most valuable Steven, crown, is one that is not achieved through the work ethic and education of the Rogers.